January 2005 : Pain, Hurt, Gain …
For those of you who doesnt know about what I already experienced in 2004, probably I could give you a little bit of insight on what was really happen to me at the time. I was sort of in love with this guy, but actually he didnt give me any confirmation on how he feels to me. Then we sort of had a fight, and we didnt talk for quite some time.
At the beginning of December, we made things clear that we dont have any other feelings than just friends. So, I was struggled to convince myself that I shouldn't think about him more than I used to. At first it was easy, because I was surrounded by friends, good ones and they always stand there for me.
But then again, on my vacation to Greece, I found out that I was so much in love with him. Greece for me was quitehard to be conquered, since I already got tired after more than a week I was traveling to Spain and Belgium, and Greece is a big country. Thus, I have to travel around 2 hours to one site and also to the other site. But, it was fun though.
And at Greece, I had to bow down on my knee and said to the Lord, that I surrender myself to Him, and I have to admit that I was still in love with him, HV. But I also learned that I dont want to waste my time on something that is useless and doesnt have any future to be grasped. So, I was kind of forcing myself to face the reality and stay to be the strong me' that most of my real friends know about.
HV had his doctoral defense in this month. He sent me his report and also an invitation to celebrate his graduation in a Japanese restaurant together with his family and also his colleagues. I was quite confused, because to be honest I dont feel comfortable again to be around him. So, I decided not to go to the dinner. I was thinking not to attend his defense as well, because I was too hurt to see him. But then, a friend, TM, asked me to join her to his defense. So, I was trying to cover up this whole thing and I said yes to her. I didnt want to see him at all and also because I was really into work, so I depart after HV got his diploma. Everybody (I think) was a bit confused, but I do avoid him.
That was my first pain.
My second pain came from my own church. I was already struggled a lot whether I want to stay there or I will just go away and find another church. We were supposed to have a worship evening again, and people were assuming that I will be the worship leader. To be honest, I do like to be a worship leader, but I was tired and I decided not to be one this time. Since I felt that I didn't get any support and people somehow just trying to go to their own way, including me. So, I didn't go to church, thus I skipped practice. I went to other cities in the weekend.
Another trigger that convinced me a lot is that e-mail from one of the elders in church, named PD that sent me an e-mail and said that it is not good for me to give a testimony every week. He said that it will prevent other people to give their own testimony. I was down, and disappointed. I agree that I wont give other testimonies, which for me; it means I should leave the church. I know that PD didn't say that I should leave the church, but for me, one thing that kept me alive in that church is the testimony that I gave. I felt so secure whenever I give one, because I always gave a testimony by singing a song. The fact that PD said so, and then I prefer to go away from church rather than being shut up in church.
I went couple of times outside Enschede. I was trying to find another atmosphere, because somehow I just got sick of it. I went to Wageningen, where AQ lived. I had great times there. I felt really at home. But then again, I also said to myself that I need to go to church as well. So, I was thinking and ask God to what kind of church that I should visit until I go home.
He reminded me of EV, a girl that I met 2 years ago in Driebergen on Easter Conference. I contacted EV afterwards and she took me to her church called Crossroad.
At the beginning of December, we made things clear that we dont have any other feelings than just friends. So, I was struggled to convince myself that I shouldn't think about him more than I used to. At first it was easy, because I was surrounded by friends, good ones and they always stand there for me.
But then again, on my vacation to Greece, I found out that I was so much in love with him. Greece for me was quitehard to be conquered, since I already got tired after more than a week I was traveling to Spain and Belgium, and Greece is a big country. Thus, I have to travel around 2 hours to one site and also to the other site. But, it was fun though.
And at Greece, I had to bow down on my knee and said to the Lord, that I surrender myself to Him, and I have to admit that I was still in love with him, HV. But I also learned that I dont want to waste my time on something that is useless and doesnt have any future to be grasped. So, I was kind of forcing myself to face the reality and stay to be the strong me' that most of my real friends know about.
HV had his doctoral defense in this month. He sent me his report and also an invitation to celebrate his graduation in a Japanese restaurant together with his family and also his colleagues. I was quite confused, because to be honest I dont feel comfortable again to be around him. So, I decided not to go to the dinner. I was thinking not to attend his defense as well, because I was too hurt to see him. But then, a friend, TM, asked me to join her to his defense. So, I was trying to cover up this whole thing and I said yes to her. I didnt want to see him at all and also because I was really into work, so I depart after HV got his diploma. Everybody (I think) was a bit confused, but I do avoid him.
That was my first pain.
My second pain came from my own church. I was already struggled a lot whether I want to stay there or I will just go away and find another church. We were supposed to have a worship evening again, and people were assuming that I will be the worship leader. To be honest, I do like to be a worship leader, but I was tired and I decided not to be one this time. Since I felt that I didn't get any support and people somehow just trying to go to their own way, including me. So, I didn't go to church, thus I skipped practice. I went to other cities in the weekend.
Another trigger that convinced me a lot is that e-mail from one of the elders in church, named PD that sent me an e-mail and said that it is not good for me to give a testimony every week. He said that it will prevent other people to give their own testimony. I was down, and disappointed. I agree that I wont give other testimonies, which for me; it means I should leave the church. I know that PD didn't say that I should leave the church, but for me, one thing that kept me alive in that church is the testimony that I gave. I felt so secure whenever I give one, because I always gave a testimony by singing a song. The fact that PD said so, and then I prefer to go away from church rather than being shut up in church.
I went couple of times outside Enschede. I was trying to find another atmosphere, because somehow I just got sick of it. I went to Wageningen, where AQ lived. I had great times there. I felt really at home. But then again, I also said to myself that I need to go to church as well. So, I was thinking and ask God to what kind of church that I should visit until I go home.
He reminded me of EV, a girl that I met 2 years ago in Driebergen on Easter Conference. I contacted EV afterwards and she took me to her church called Crossroad.
posted by Cinta Cita dan Kehidupan at 9:20 PM
1 Comments:
at that moment, i of course knew about the situation and understood how difficult it was. the reason why i asked you to go, because i thought it was better for you to go. later in your life, in restropect, you would be happy that you won over yourself, you won that day because you did go. you was able to break the wall. in fact, you would be sorry if you did not go. sorry, if that was hurtful.
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